Bittersweet

Last night was incredibly weird.

Nothing seemed out of the ordinary at first, I was just hanging out with my friends and watching our Sunday night shows.  But all of a sudden, a wave of anxiety hit me.  "WHAT ABOUT MY LESSON PLANS FOR TOMORROW???"  Then it hit me: I'm not teaching tomorrow.  What a weird feeling.

I finished up all my classes last week and ended my week with a visit to another elementary.  Wow, talk about an experience!  They have 6 Spanish teacher (since this school is an IB program school) and they all work together to get their kids to the highest level of Spanish they can.  It was really awesome to see, especially coming from a school where there are 3 Spanish teachers but they all teach different preps.  I was blown away by how much the kids know and how much technology they get to use.  It was really cool.

This morning it has been sad not teaching "my" kids, but I am enjoying some extra time to sit back and reflect on this crazy, life-changing semester.  More on that later.  Also, my kids are filling out an evaluation about how i did, so I am anxious to read those and hear what they had to say!  Also, more on that later :)

Anyways, I am taking today to organize what I need to get done on my portfolio, saying goodbye to the kids and giving them the eval, and taking my first breath since I began to teach. :)

With the end in sight...

Well, I have officially stopped teaching the full load and as my classes begin to wind down, I can see the end in sight.  I heard student teaching would go by fast and I heard it would be over before I knew it, but I can tell you that the path seems very long on day 1.

The thing is the feeling I have at the end of this is not what I expected.  Granted, Monday morning was a little bit easier getting up and know that I would only have to teach half of the classes...but still there was this odd feeling of sadness.  I was really going to miss my Spanish 3 who are so smart it's intimidating but so sweet and funny that I felt included immediately.  I was even going to miss my Advanced Spanish kids who gave me day after day of headaches, however crazy they are, they have really good hearts.  I am really going to miss these kids, a lot.

To be quite honest, I have been lying to people for awhile now, at least to some extent.  Whenever people ask me why I want to teach and why I'm in education, I give the standard "I want to change lives..." speech that is ingrained in my brain.  But when I started this semester I realized what I fraud I was for saying this, but now, coming to a close, I think I have gained the teachers heart.  I mean, I look forward to coming to class know student A will probably laugh at my jokes while student B rolls their eyes at how corny I can be.  I design my lessons and activities and even my jokes with my students in mind and that's what makes all this worth it.  When a kid who has a 60 average ask "Puedo usar el bano?" and smiles really big when they say it right, that's what makes it worth it.  I really do want to change lives and to love these kids.

I keep thinking if they'll ever remember me when I'm gone, but I believe they won't and that's okay, I don't really remember my student teachers (except the way my classmates tortured them).  But I hope in some teeny way I left a fingerprint on their hearts, maybe I just stirred up some enjoyment in Spanish or maybe I inspired them, or maybe I was just able to make them laugh.  And what they'll never know is how much they have impacted me.

I'm a "teacher"

Anyone who knows me knows that 6 months ago I cringed at the thought of student teaching.  That at 2 months ago I cried every morning when I woke up to go.  That at 3 weeks ago I'd never felt more overwhelmed and lost in my life.  Why?  I mean, I'd been at NC State for 3 and a half years preparing for this semester...so why was I having such an emotional break down?  Well, the short and sweet answer is that I just thought I simply could not do it.  "No way I can stand in front of a class of people and teach them how to speak Spanish!  I barely want to speak in my own classes to answer a question!" I thought to myself.  Inadequate is the word that constantly came to my mind, "You can't do this."

But it hit me this week, during my 3rd week of full time teaching, that I am actually doing it.  I mean I am actually teaching 3 different levels of Spanish (6 classes total) all by myself.  And I am not completely failing at it!!  I mean the first week and a half was really difficult and I leaned on my teacher a lot for support when I was not sure about an answer, but I am really being a teacher now.  i know I keep saying it, but its just so crazy!  I am teaching students how to speak Spanish!  Me!  Amber Winterton who reserved the right to only respond with "Si" or "No" in my high school classes, is teaching kids how to talk about the past in sentences!  Gosh, it is absolutely crazy.

Now, in no way shape or form would I say I am a wonderful and perfect teacher, but I feel like I am coming to understand that, just like my students and just like learning a language, you are really never done learning. My cooperating teacher has been teaching for over 25 years and has studied abroad and is really a phenomenal teacher, but even she continues to learn.  So I have confidence in myself now that if I were to go in to teaching, I could do it successfully.  Stumbling sometimes, but overall giving a new language to students who are eager to learn.  Who would've thought?

I just wish I could have told my old self that it was all going to work out alright.

02/28/2012

Hola amigos!

Today has been a whole lot better.  I went home, cried some more to my boyfriend and my roommates, just relaxed and went to bed early.  I think it was exactly what I needed.  I woke up in a more determined mood this morning, though I still had a hint of anxiety since I hadn't really planned the night before.  Luckily, for majority of my classes it was just review for a test tomorrow.

So there's something I've learned today, or just re-realized today.  I am much more confident when it is just me in the room teaching.  Don't get me wrong, I absolutely love my CT, she is really so supportive and I am extremely thankful she is my CT.  But, there's been a couple of times that she has had to do some stuff outside of class and left me alone and, honestly, I've just felt the most me in those times.  And, interestingly enough, it's been during classes with the Spanish III's who I am always terrified of.  What it comes down to is that I am scared to fail or to look stupid, and in my head, my teacher is the only one who can really judge that.  So when she's not there, I am free to just look stupid or to say things wrong without being nervous.  I'm the same way with small children.  If adults are around, I don't really know how to handle them.  But one on one, or in a group of kids, I am as silly as it gets.  I really pray that's something  I can work on and change as I go through this experience, but it also gives me hope that maybe this all will be a little bit easier when it's my classroom and my kids and my lesson and my stuff.

Until then, I am extremely thankful for the help I am getting.  And in my CT's defense, she has never once made me feel like I was stupid or incompetent.  Usually I am the harder critic on myself.

Here's to a better day today and hopefully a better week.

The honeymoon is ending...

Hey ya'll,

Well I haven't written in quite awhile and there's so much to say about whats been going on, but honestly I just need this space right now to vent and be honest.  I feel like I am really starting to crash and I feel like giving up all over again.  The beginning of the semester was extremely hard for me, but when I started taking up classes it started to become a lot easier and (dare I say it?) fun.  For the past month I've been adding a class every week and I am up to teaching 5 out of the 6 classes.  5 seems to be the death of me.  Teaching 4 classes was strenuous and took a lot of effort, but I was doing it fairly easy (in huge part to the fact that my teacher was planning for 2 of the 3 preps).  But this morning, I just had a melt down.  I had a really, really long weekend full of work and my basement (aka my room) flooding and I didn't get a chance to really plan anything.  Luckily my teacher and I did a lot of the planning last week, but still, I personally need to look over a lot of the material before I teach it.

You see, my biggest reservation in teaching was being incompetent.  I hate those teachers, the ones who act like they know what their talking about but as soon as you ask them a question they go blank...and that's how I am starting to feel.  Especially taking over the Spanish 3's, I just continuously second guess myself and make myself nervous.  I'm just exhausted by the end of the day because 1 I'm working and 2 I'm making myself so stressed out.  And I'm just tired.  I was supposed to take over all of the Spanish 2 classes today (3 classes) but I asked my teacher if she would take them until their test this Wednesday, and when that happens I am supposed to take over the planning.  Its been hard enough planning for her Spanish Avanzada class (a completely new class this year that is a class for those who didn't want to take Spanish 2 again but would have failed Spanish 3).  I can't imagine planning all 3!  And on top of that, anything cultural I feel completely inadequate.

It's just so hard, I wish I knew this was what I wanted to do but I don't and I think that makes it even harder. It's been awhile since I've wondered if this was even worth it, but today I'm catching myself wondering if I can even do this at all.  6 classes? 3 classes to plan? for 5 weeks?  It just all seems like too much.

The first week

Where to begin with this week?  

This week is the first time I taught real live students all by myself in a class.  In 3 days I feel like I have already learned so much and know I will learn a ton more about teaching, but I feel like I'm really doing it.  I'm really teaching this kids.  So far, I have been piggy backing off of my teachers lesson plans, but I actually think that has made it harder for me than easier.  I'm excited to start making my own lesson plans, and the more I get to know my students, the easier it is to think of fun ideas for them.  I feel like this past school year has been really tough on me...I did worse in my classes than I ever have before and suddenly could relate with the student who, no matter how hard they try, can not dig themselves out of this pit.  I especially felt that in my methods class, I just felt like I just could not get it, combine that with my whole inner turmoil of whether or not to teach, well it was a bad combination to say the least.  But with teaching the past couple of days, I finally feel like I can do this.  When the bell rings and I'm up in front, I get into a completely different zone and just go.  My teacher has been giving me feedback afterwards and I hear things that I can fix and do better and I'm no longer tricking myself into believing "you just won't be able to do this."  I have a purpose.  The things I learned last semester and the things I do have a purpose.

I really enjoy the class I teach also.  The first two days, they were completely silent unless I asked them a question...which in turn made me more nervous!  I kept trying to tell them "just talk! just talk! group discussion!" but they just couldn't do it.  But today, I think I broke through a bit.  Finally they were laughing with me and just talking and discussing (it's easy to get middle schoolers talking when it comes to talking about novio- boyfriends and novia-girlfriends! haha).  I just feel like a Spanish classroom should never be a silent classroom, there should be a continuous hum of activity going on, and I'm ready for my students to discover I don't mind talking- as long as it's in Spanish.  I've already got a running joke, where, as soon as they speak in English, I cover my ears and say "oh! I don't understand!  It hurts my ears to hear english" They think I'm strange, but I've never had an awesome Spanish teacher who wasn't.  

One special break through I'm excited about is one girl named Clara (not her real name).  With Mrs. J (my cooperating teacher), she's always answering questions and super helpful.  But since I've been teaching, she's been very cold and had an attitude.  In fact, yesterday she asked me how to say "flat bread" and I said "mmmm pan de....uhh...." and during my pause turned to my teacher and asked her, with me still standing there.  But, as it was Friday and I was in a particularly spritely mood, I dressed up and wore my hair down (which has a streak of purple).  She thought it was pretty cool and told me in Spanish that she liked it, and since then, we are good.  

One other thing I've realized this week is that I have a lot more energy when I'm teaching.  Maybe this won't be true when I'm teaching all the classes, but where I was coming home and crashing immediately, the past couple of nights I'm ready for whatever!  And even better, in the mornings when I was laying in bed wishing I didn't have to get up, now I jump right up and I'm ready to go.  

Fridays are good to me.

My First Day Teaching

Well, it's official people.  I am Senorita Winterton.  I have officially taught my first Spanish class, and guess what?  I didn't cry.  I didn't panic.  I didn't run out screaming.  And more importantly...the kids didn't cry.  The kids didn't panic.  The kids didn't run out screaming.  I'll call that a win.  Today I realized what all Spanish teachers want their kids to realize:  I can do something with the language, and more than that, I can teach with the language.  I'll be honest, once again I've been having many reservations about teaching Spanish...whether or not this is for me, etc.  And they are still there, but teaching this class confirmed that I really enjoy teaching (I'm sure if you asked my brothers or cousins this wouldn't surprise them at all, I've always liked being bossy and making up the rules! haha).

So what was my first class like?  Well, I'll tell you.  It was the first day of Chapter 7B which is all about shopping and buying gifts.  My teacher had come up with the lesson plan, which she taught 2nd period and then I taught 3rd.  We did a lot of exercises out of the book, which is something I'm still unsure about, but we did a lot of class discussion which I loved.  It was hard for me to teach this way though because it just didn't seem like me.  It seemed like I was trying to act like my CT instead of being Senorita Winterton.  I think I will enjoy it a lot more and teach more fluidly when I create my own lessons.  My teacher commented that she thought it went really, really well!  She did have some critique:  such as varying what praise words I use and more movement WHILE I'm teaching.  I usually do a good job in activities, but I need to make sure I'm moving when I'm teaching also.

Well there it is folks, Day 2 comes tomorrow.