Hola amigos!
Today has been a whole lot better. I went home, cried some more to my boyfriend and my roommates, just relaxed and went to bed early. I think it was exactly what I needed. I woke up in a more determined mood this morning, though I still had a hint of anxiety since I hadn't really planned the night before. Luckily, for majority of my classes it was just review for a test tomorrow.
So there's something I've learned today, or just re-realized today. I am much more confident when it is just me in the room teaching. Don't get me wrong, I absolutely love my CT, she is really so supportive and I am extremely thankful she is my CT. But, there's been a couple of times that she has had to do some stuff outside of class and left me alone and, honestly, I've just felt the most me in those times. And, interestingly enough, it's been during classes with the Spanish III's who I am always terrified of. What it comes down to is that I am scared to fail or to look stupid, and in my head, my teacher is the only one who can really judge that. So when she's not there, I am free to just look stupid or to say things wrong without being nervous. I'm the same way with small children. If adults are around, I don't really know how to handle them. But one on one, or in a group of kids, I am as silly as it gets. I really pray that's something I can work on and change as I go through this experience, but it also gives me hope that maybe this all will be a little bit easier when it's my classroom and my kids and my lesson and my stuff.
Until then, I am extremely thankful for the help I am getting. And in my CT's defense, she has never once made me feel like I was stupid or incompetent. Usually I am the harder critic on myself.
Here's to a better day today and hopefully a better week.
Amber,
ReplyDeleteDon't feel like this revelation is a negative character trait - most teachers are more comfortable around children than adults. Recognizing that it is your fear of looking unprepared or "stupid" in front of her is a major step in the right direction. Right now you have so much going on inside your head that nothing is automatic for you -- which causes your brain to use up all of its resources on everything (planning, students, schedules, discipline, homework, language) that it doesn't have any room left. Once you get into the groove, your brain will revert back to automaticity - being able to do something without thinking about it. At that point, you will be more able to focus on other things. And it is also okay to talk about this with your CT -- I'm sure she has felt the same way.
YOU.DID.FINE!!! we didnt think you were stupid or even cared that you made mistakes...for that thought-we all do! we miss u!!!
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